Setting Boundaries with Young Children
Posted on Mon, Jan 30, 2012
Our asset focus this week is Boundaries and Expectations. As with most things, setting boundaries starts at home with family boundaries and then extends to boundaries in childcare settings and neighborhood boundaries. This includes all of the basics you would expect it to: saying please and thank you, saying excuse me when you need to interrupt a conversation. But I would encourage you to also think about how you discipline your child. Before I had kids (when we all knew exactly what parents everywhere were doing wrong!), I had a friend who told me she tried to avoid saying "no" to her child. Are you kidding me, I thought? After working with kids for years now, I see the wisdom in her approach. It's not about allowing children to do whatever they want. It's about finding ways to redirect them to more appropriate behaviors.
Let me give you an example. Throwing objects (and I'm not talking about playing catch with a ball) is a common "skill" children like to practice. From time to time, a child will try throwing an egg shaker (or other instrument) during one of my classes. As you can imagine, my boundary in class is no throwing instruments. But instead of communicating "no throwing" to the child, I will offer an alternative such as "can you shake that egg? or trade eggs with me?" If none of my suggestions are met with interest, then I get a box of kleenex from my shelf and and say "If you want to throw something, let's throw these tissues--that way no one will get hurt."
Setting expectations and boundaries can be one of the hardest things we do with our children. There's a fine line between authoritative and permissive and the goal is to land somewhere right between the two extremes.
There's another technique I love to use when setting boundaries, called "honor the impulse." (In all fairness, I did not coin this phrase, but borrowed it from one of my favorite books--ask me about it if you want to read more about this.) Children face temptations in their environment every day, and sometimes all they need is an acknowledgement of what they want. If a child wants a particular object (and for whatever reason, you can't give it to them), try talking to them about that object. I'll say something like "You really want that toy, don't you? What do you want to do with it? That does sound like fun. Maybe we can do that another time, but right now we have to. . . ." Often, just acknowledging what they want will quell their frustration enough that you can explain why they can't have it or redirect them to something else.
When we think about expectations for our children, I find it helpful to think long-term. What kind of person do I want my child to grow up to be? Surround your child with adult role models that you want your child to emulate. Help them form positive peer relationships. One of my favorite examples of this is teaching empathy. Even pre-verbal children can communicate an apology to someone by offering a hug. My big thing with apologies is I always want my children to do something beyond just apologizing--I want them to make amends in some way. Hugs or a caring look at a child who is upset are great ways for young children to do this. And one of the most important ways to set positive expectations for children is to set them up for success by explaining your expectations in any situation. For example, if a playmate is coming over, talk about the rules ahead of time: we have to ask Johnny what he likes to do and find things you can both do together; if you're not ready to share a particular toy, then we will put it away for the playdate.
Setting expectations and boundaries for our children can be one of the hardest things we do as parents. There is a fine line betwee authoritative and permissive, and the goal is to land somewhere in between the two extremes.