Posted on Mon, Feb 06, 2012
For many of us, involving our children in appropriate activities seems like an easy thing to check off our list. But if we look carefully at the categories within this asset, you might be surprised that you're missing 1 or more of these. I love the way Search Institute defines these assets because they actually quantify many of them, particularly for older children.
When my children were little, I approached it like this: I wanted my children to do something creative, something active, and something useful every day. Engaging in creative activities is the first asset in this category. Anything that encourages self-expression counts here. So there are the obvious things like music and art, but also pretend play is a great way to encourage creativity. My boys loved playing Superheroes, so we turned it into a game of make-your-own-Superhero. What powers would you have? I even created my own Superhero in this game: her name was Insta-Chef and her power was to blink her eyes and say "Voila!" to make a gourmet dinner magically appear on the table. As your child gets older, the goal is to have them participating in creative activities once a week (and in high school, this is further defined as 3 or more hours a week). The something useful I wanted for my children harkens back to seeing children as resources (check out our Empowerment blog for more on this). But it also refers to how children use their time at home. And this is where limiting TV and video games comes in. Now even I don't advocate no TV--I'm a fan of TV when it's used as downtime or for educatonal purposes. And when you do allow your kids to watch TV or play a computer/video game, do it with them. When my kids were little, we had a couple of special shows we watched together on a regular basis. One was Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, another was Little Einsteins, and another was Rachael Ray's 30-minute meals (I honestly don't remember how that got started, but my oldest developed quite a liking for this show--maybe he's a future chef?).
Let's shift gears and talk about how children spend their time outside of the home. Even at the youngest ages, it's important for our children to be part of community programs that are led by another caring adult. This does a number of things for our children: first, it connects them to another adult (remember the adult role models we talked about before?), but it also teaches them how to interact in a group setting. Many communities have free programs like this at their public libraries. But there are also excellent programs that you can pay for. It's important to find the right fit for your child--and the right fit applies not only to the activity itself, but also to the environment and the teacher leading the activity. Is the environment set up to appeal to children? Is it stimulating, but not overwhelming? Does the teacher allow your child to engage at her own pace--not rushing or forcing her but always encouraging her?
The last asset in this category is participation in a religious community. This comes naturally for some people and not so naturally for others. My family is a great example of this: I grew up attending church regularly, my husband did not. So when we had kids, the religion piece was left entirely to me. And I admit, when my kids were young, getting them to church every week seemed more of a hassle than it was worth. But I did make a point to teach my children about our religion and its customs at home. We read stories and talked about why we celebrated various holidays. And now that they are older, we are working on getting more involved in a religious community so they are exposed to these ideas from people besides just me.
How are you structuring your child's time? Are you being deliberate and thoughtful about what you're doing? I know that's easier said than done, but every little bit counts.
Posted on Mon, Jan 30, 2012
Our asset focus this week is Boundaries and Expectations. As with most things, setting boundaries starts at home with family boundaries and then extends to boundaries in childcare settings and neighborhood boundaries. This includes all of the basics you would expect it to: saying please and thank you, saying excuse me when you need to interrupt a conversation. But I would encourage you to also think about how you discipline your child. Before I had kids (when we all knew exactly what parents everywhere were doing wrong!), I had a friend who told me she tried to avoid saying "no" to her child. Are you kidding me, I thought? After working with kids for years now, I see the wisdom in her approach. It's not about allowing children to do whatever they want. It's about finding ways to redirect them to more appropriate behaviors.
Let me give you an example. Throwing objects (and I'm not talking about playing catch with a ball) is a common "skill" children like to practice. From time to time, a child will try throwing an egg shaker (or other instrument) during one of my classes. As you can imagine, my boundary in class is no throwing instruments. But instead of communicating "no throwing" to the child, I will offer an alternative such as "can you shake that egg? or trade eggs with me?" If none of my suggestions are met with interest, then I get a box of kleenex from my shelf and and say "If you want to throw something, let's throw these tissues--that way no one will get hurt."
Setting expectations and boundaries can be one of the hardest things we do with our children. There's a fine line between authoritative and permissive and the goal is to land somewhere right between the two extremes.
There's another technique I love to use when setting boundaries, called "honor the impulse." (In all fairness, I did not coin this phrase, but borrowed it from one of my favorite books--ask me about it if you want to read more about this.) Children face temptations in their environment every day, and sometimes all they need is an acknowledgement of what they want. If a child wants a particular object (and for whatever reason, you can't give it to them), try talking to them about that object. I'll say something like "You really want that toy, don't you? What do you want to do with it? That does sound like fun. Maybe we can do that another time, but right now we have to. . . ." Often, just acknowledging what they want will quell their frustration enough that you can explain why they can't have it or redirect them to something else.
When we think about expectations for our children, I find it helpful to think long-term. What kind of person do I want my child to grow up to be? Surround your child with adult role models that you want your child to emulate. Help them form positive peer relationships. One of my favorite examples of this is teaching empathy. Even pre-verbal children can communicate an apology to someone by offering a hug. My big thing with apologies is I always want my children to do something beyond just apologizing--I want them to make amends in some way. Hugs or a caring look at a child who is upset are great ways for young children to do this. And one of the most important ways to set positive expectations for children is to set them up for success by explaining your expectations in any situation. For example, if a playmate is coming over, talk about the rules ahead of time: we have to ask Johnny what he likes to do and find things you can both do together; if you're not ready to share a particular toy, then we will put it away for the playdate.
Setting expectations and boundaries for our children can be one of the hardest things we do as parents. There is a fine line betwee authoritative and permissive, and the goal is to land somewhere in between the two extremes.
Posted on Tue, Jan 17, 2012
Remember those assets we started talking about before the holidays? (Check out our December 2011 blog for a refresher.) We focused on supporting our children last time. Today we're going to talk about empowering our children. This is one of my favortie categories because we can--and should--start empowering our children from a very young age. This ultimately is what keeps them safe and sets them up for success in their day-to-day lives.
The first empowerment asset is belonging to a community that values and cherishes young children. What exactly does that mean? When we're dealing with young children, this means taking them to child-friendly places. I'm sure you've already figured this out when it comes to places like restaurants--some restaurants are just better set up to deal with and even encourage having children there. What about movies? My kids were at least 5 or 6 before they could sit through a full-length movie in the theater. So when everyone else in the family wanted to see a movie, one of the grown-ups would volunteer to either stay home with the child that was too young or we'd go but agree to leave whenever said child couldn't sit still or be quiet any longer. Same deal for other events--my oldest son loves music and when he was young, he really wanted to see a conductor up close and personal. So we got tickets to a local symphony concert, talked about how it was really a "grown-up" place and what a special treat it was for him to go to this. We stayed for the first song or two, and then we left--well before the end of the concert because he had seen enough and had reached his limit of "grown-up" behavior. Some people may feel like doing things this way amount to wasted money. And maybe it does. But we went into these events with our minds made up that we would leave when he needed to and not feel guilty about missing part of the concert.
To further empower our children, we also want to see them as resources. Think of this as assigning children jobs or responsibilities. Anything that helps children feel useful counts here. Again, I'm sure you've heard this before, but children can do things around the house like set the table, put dirty clothes in the laundry basket, pick up their toys. Now I know it's faster if we just do it ourselves, and I also know that with pre-school children this really means you're doing the job with them and not just delegating. But this is so important to making our children feel capable and competent. Nothing gives a child greater joy than being asked "Could you help me with this?" Notice the phrasing, by the way--not "Do this" and not "Would you please do this" but "would you help me do this?"
Another important asset to empowering our children is teaching them about service to others. This can be as simple as "taking care" of their stuffed animals. I used to pretend-play putting the animals to bed, feeding them, making them feel better. From pre-school on, I also helped my children sort through their toys (I tried to do this at least once a year) and decide which toys they could give to other children who might not have any toys. We did the same thing with Halloween candy--each year we shipped some of it overseas to soldiers. Even today my children talk about the soldiers who are so far from home they can't get candy, and we want to make them feel special because of the job they are doing for us.
And the last empowerment asset has to do with safety. This includes things like teaching children their full name, phone number and address. (It breaks my heart when I hear of a lost child at the mall who tells you his first name and can only tell you that his mother's name is "Mommy.") This also includes establishing rules with your child like, you always hold a grown-up's hand at the mall, or you always ask before you run over to pet a dog, or you never leave the backyard without a grown-up. We all have our own rules that work for us and our children.
Posted on Fri, Dec 09, 2011
Wouldn't you love a checklist that would tell you how to keep your child safe from sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll as they become teenagers? Well, I recently discovered such a list--it is developed by The Search Institute. Each of the items on their list is called an asset and there are 40 of them. They say the more assets a person has, the more likely he/she will be able to resist temptation/peer pressure to do bad things.
They have grouped these 40 assets into 8 different categories: support, empowerment, boundaries and expectations, constructive use of time, commitment to learning, positive values, social competencies, and positive identity. Within each category there are 3-6 different specific assets.
Support
I want to spend some time on each of the asset categories over the coming weeks, so today I'd like to start with the Support category. The idea behind this category is that young people need to be surrounded by people who love, care for, appreciate, and accept them. Now that seems like a no-brainer, right? But let's look at the specific assets within this category, and see if this is really happening for your child.
Family support and positive family communication
If you're reading this blog, I think it's safe to say you can check off family support from the list. Positive family communication is a little harder to assess when we're dealing with children under 5. Maybe it helps to think of it as offering choices to your child: would you like to get dressed or brush your teeth first? How often do you give your child choices? Do you explain why you have to say "no" when you do?
Other adult relationships
Other adult relationships is one of my favorite ones--Search Institute specifically defines this to be 3 or more nonparent adults. WOW--I'm not sure my kids had this many "other adult relationships" when they were little. Both of my children bonded well and strongly with their parents. So well, in fact, that they often clung to us and refused to go with other adults. I wish I had been a bit more deliberate about finding other adult relationships for them. All of our extended family lives far away, so I couldn't rely on them to fill this role when my children couldn't even talk on the phone yet. When I look back on their pre-school days, I'm struck by the teachers who made a difference in their lives. They each had at least 1 teacher (either at pre-school or in another activity) that really connected with them. Regular carpool friends also proved to be a great way for my kids to bond with another adult.
Caring neighborhood
Caring neighborhood can be tough, depending on your neighborhood. If there are other children in the area, this is probably not hard to accomplish--we easily find other parents in similar life stages as our own. But what if you don't have children in your neighborhood? It's still important for children to feel connected to their community. I especially value relationships with people at different life stages. There's a lot to be gained from the senior citizen who has already raised their family, or from the young couple who has just married and doesn't have kids yet, or from the parents of teenagers. All of these people have value to add not to your child's life, but also to yours. Do you have someone nearby you can call in an emergency to help take care of your child? Would your child be comfortable with that person? Does your child know the names of your immediate neighbors? Do your neighbors know your child's name and would they feel comfortable helping your child in an emergency?
Caring school climate
Caring school climate (whether a pre-school or daycare or babysitter) means the adults in charge of your child have to genuinely enjoy spending time with children (and shockingly, there are teachers and caregivers out there who don't really have a passion for children). The only way to tell the good from the bad is to get to know them. Talk with them regularly about your child--this includes formal meetings with them about your child, but it also means sharing anecdotes with them from time to time that will help them connect to your child. Does your child talk about his teachers at home? Tell the teacher that--they love this kind of feedback! Did your child talk about something they did at schoolt hat day? Tell the teacher so they can talk about it more with your child. Watch how the teacher interacts with your child, too. Do they make your child feel special and a part of the class? Do they "get" your child's personality--the good and the bad?
Parent involvement in schooling
Our kids really do pick up on how involved we are with their school. Volunteer to help in the classroom or chaperone field trips whenever you can. If helping during the school day doesn't work for your life, then ask the teacher what other things you could do--cutting shapes for an upcoming project, sending in a special snack, coordinating a book fair order for the class. These are all things that allow your child to say "My Mommy (or Daddy or Grandma) did that." Besides the volunteer commitment, it's also important to get to know the names of the other children in your child's class (and their parents' names, too!). One of the things I do at the beginning of every school year with my children is talk to them about the other children in their class: which friend do you sit next to? Which friend(s) did you play with today? Who did you eat with today? Who's cubby is next to yours? This also helps them learn the names of the friends in their class (and I use that word: at this age, we are all friends) and it signals to them that this is important information to learn.
-posted by Amy Shinohara, Director of Hearts & Minds Music
Stay tuned for information about the other assets!!
Posted on Tue, Nov 01, 2011
Indulge me in this temporary break from our normal blog. We are located in Ridgefield, Connecticut--which made the national news during Hurricane Irene because we had no power and no running water for over a week. For the uninitiated, no running water means no flushing toilets, no drinking water, no showers, no laundry, no water of any kind. We're back in the news again because of the latest snowstorm, which I think should qualify for a name, too. Our story is by no means extraordinary, it is just a depiction of what things here are like right now.
The snow began on Saturday, October 29, around noon. Ridgefield has an annual Halloween Walk in town on the last Saturday morning before Halloween, so the kiddies throughout town had just managed to eke their way through that madness. By 2:00, we had no power. This was no surprise since we seem to lose power whenever there is so much as a strong gust of wind. We had filled the bathtub so we would be able to flush our toilets, we had cooked dinner early in the day so we had warm food to eat in the dark, we had our flashlights and candles easily accessible, and we were well-stocked with non-perishables to wait out the storm.
Around 3:00, we heard a thud, which sounded sort of like a big tree branch falling on our house. A look outside revealed it was just our electric box, pulled off the house by falling tree branches. Clue #1 that this was not your normal snowstorm. We started to realize that when the power came back on, we still wouldn't have power. Most of our trees still had leaves on them and the heavy snow was bending them way too far to the ground. So we made a quick run around the yard trying to knock off the snow as much as we could. It was getting dark by now, so we ate, played Apples to Apples with the kids, put them to bed, and retired for the night ourselves.
I actually slept well that night. It might have been my last good night's sleep this week.
Waking up on Sunday morning, we scoped out our situation. Those trees we tried to save yesterday by knocking snow off of them? Yeah, they're pretty much gone--major limbs snapped off all of them, probably no hope of saving them. I love my garden so this hit hard. And then we looked farther down our driveway. I counted 4 big trees down: 1 across our driveway and 3 more across the road in front of our house. First thought: please tell me none of these trees landed on anyone or anyone's house. Thankfully none did.
Next thought: start digging out and see how bad things really are. So we began digging (and let's be clear--I'm using the "holy we" which my husband quickly points out really means "he"). What you can't see as well in the pictures is that those those trees brought electrical wires down with them. Hmmmmm. . . . probably no power for ar least a week, trapped at our house, and it's cold. I kpet picturing that Toy Story scene where Buzz says "There's no need to panic" and Woody replies "WHAT?! This is the PERFECT time to panic!"
Fight or flight instincts started to kick in. Our neighbor down the street (who has a generator, God bless them!) texted us to say everyone was congregating at their house. So we headed down the hill, carefully picking our way through downed trees and wires as we go. I counted 10 adults and 8 kids there at one point. We began referring to our friend's house as the neighborhood refugee camp.
While there, the calls started coming in from town and schools. School had been cancelled Monday-Wednesday, and probably longer; all Halloween festivities had been cancelled. It took a while for that one to sink in--no trick-or-treating? Try explaining that to a houseful of kids.
Again, fight or flight. One family said they'll go to grandma's house, where there is power and someone to watch the kids. Another decided the same thing. One kid was sick, and Mom and Dad both had to work the next day. Could one of them work from home? Could someone take advantage of the generator and watch the sick child (and any other children not already accounted for)? We contemplated renting a car since ours were trapped at home. All of us discussed the wisdom of owning a generator and vowed to find one "for next time." After Irene, we thought this no-power-for-a-week thing was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Now we're not so sure. We pieced together a semblance of a plan for the next day. We trudged back up the hill for home to settle in for the night. And now we have no cell service at our house. Really? Did that have to go out, too?
Posted on Thu, Oct 13, 2011
Over the summer, I involve my kids in summer reading and summer workbooks. Their reactions to these tasks always give me a good indication of what their school year was like (not that I don't already know this, but it just becomes so obvious now). If they've had a good year and enojoyed their classes, they approach the workbook activities with zeal. And the number one factor for them in whether or not they had a good year is simple: it's the relationship they had with their teacher.
Good teachers make a connection with their students that can't be quantified. They make their students WANT to learn, and want to come to school. They keep the learning process fun. After all, don't we want our kids to want to learn? I can't stress this enough. If children feel like they're doing something "just because" or as "busy work," they sense that and will rebel in some way (sometimes in subtle ways that you may not even recognize at first--like not wanting to write or not wanting to color).
At the youngest ages, we are privileged to be able to choose our children's teachers ourselves. I always looked for someone that saw the good in my child, someone that found his/her spark and acknowledged it to my child. What are some of the things you look for in a teacher?
“If an activity is not fun for the child, don’t do it. When we say fun that means that the child’s mind is engaged, that the child feels capable and powerful. Delight is a key ingredient in all learning. If the child is frustrated, stop the activity and offer it at a later date.” from Simple Steps, by Karen Miller, pg. 11.
Posted on Wed, Jun 29, 2011
It's the season of graduations and this always makes me reflective. There's a lot of discussion about whether people make too big a deal about this now. After all, when we grew up, you graduated from high school and then from college and that was it. Today, kids seem to have "graduation" every year. I have come to the conclusion that there's good and bad about this situation (I know, really straddling the fence on this one!).
Let's start with the "bad." I was at a high school graduation a couple weeks ago and during the ceremony, the graduates started throwing beach balls amongst themselves. While I appreciate the instinct to be a bit irreverent, isn't this really just a sign of disrespect? Disrespectful towards the speakers (who had been chosen by the student body) and disrespectful towards the entire concept of the education these students and their families had just completed. Was this perhaps a sign that all the graduations these students had experienced over the years now led them to believe that this one was no big deal? Bear in mind that there were parties going on after the ceremony where the students could "let loose."
Okay, so now let's switch gears and look at a moving-up ceremony for children "graduating" from elementary school to middle school. There was absolutely a big fuss made over these students. They sang, they played "Pomp and Circumstance" as they processed in, there was a video highlighting every child in the grade, and there were multiple photo ops during the ceremony itself. Too much? Well, maybe. But here's the thing: every one of these students knew every other student in their grade and, for them, this really was a momentous occasion and they enjoyed every minute of it. After all, they were the center of the whole affair that day.
I like the idea of marking the significant transitions in some way. For that elementary school, these kids were celebrating each other and the bonds they shared. They will be in an entirely new (and bigger) environment next year with new (and more) people. They deserve some time to reflect on how far they've come and where they're heading.
I don't like the idea of having such ceremonies every single year, though. Class parties? Fine. Going out for ice cream on the last day of school? Fine. Having a special family dinner to celebrate the end of the year? Fine. But let's not get carried away with extravagant ceremonies that include parents, grandparents, siblings, school administrators, and the public at large. Save the "Pomp and Circumstance" for the big transitions, in which children truly enter a whole new phase of their lives.
Posted on Mon, Jun 13, 2011
So this was the scene in my family room last week: I am handing out money to each of my kids so they can buy tickets for their upcoming school fair. My youngest (who is 6) suddenly bursts into tears, saying "I don't want to buy tickets! I don't want to go to the fair!" What? Is there anything not fun about a fair? Wouldn't all kids want to go? After telling him all of this (to no avail, of course), I finally sit him down on my lap and listen to what he's trying to tell me.
You see, he has no idea what this fair is--he's never been to it before. And it seems like every day at school lately, there's some special end-of-the-year something going on. And even though these are all "fun" things, it does completely disrupt the sense of routine that children (especially younger ones) thrive on. He has no idea what to expect in these last couple of weeks.
So we mapped out all the special events between now and the end of the school year. I included things like when his favorite babysitter is coming over, when we're doing special things after school, as well as the in-school special celebrations. And we described in as much detail as possible each of these events so he would know what to expect.
Since I'm not entirely sure about his preferred learning style yet (and because I wanted to cover all the bases), we talked about it, we looked at his calendar, and we marked the special events on it. This seems to be helping. Now every morning, I get the countdown from him of how many days are left in the school year, as well as the list of events for that day. He usually also feels the need to talk about upcoming events, too, to confirm that they're still happening on the days he thinks they are.
And on my end, I'm trying really hard not to add any additional disruptions to his schedule. He can't handle last-minute changes right now so I'm doing everything I can to avoid them. And while this isn't completely preventing all of his meltdowns, it does seem to be helping to keep him on an even keel. Just 8 more days to go!
-posted by Amy Shinohara, Owner of Hearts & Minds Music
Posted on Thu, Jun 02, 2011
People actually have 7 senses, not the 5 that most of us think of. My kindergartener has been learning about his senses in school, so we regularly talk about what his different senses do: he can smell cookies baking, he can taste the yumminess of the cookies, he can see the cookies on the baking sheet, he can hear the mixer turning on and off while we make the cookies, and he can feel the gooey dough and then the soft/chewy/crispy cookies. But there are 2 other senses that most of us are unaware of: the vestibular sense and the proprioceptive sense. The first 5 senses help us take in information from outside our bodies, but these last 2 senses help integrate information within our bodies.
The first sense to develop is actually our vestibular system. This system develops in utero as early as 5 months after conception. According to the book Smart Moves, by Carla Hannaford, "It is the sensory system considered to have the most important influence for everyday functioning--our ability to move and act against gravity. The vestibular system, considered the entryway into the brain, is the unifying system that directly or indirectly influences nearly everything we do." So let's break this down a little: our vestibular system is what allows us to develop balance and coordination. Without it, we don't know which end is up (literally). Some children are born with weak vestibular systems--they have a constant fear of falling and moving because their bodies can't feel gravity effectively.
A good vestibular system is what causes children to get motion-sick. Think about reading in a car. Your body has to work incredibly hard to hold your eyes still within your head while the rest of your body is being moved (quite rapidly) through space. No wonder we feel sick! This same sort of thing happens when we view 3D movies, by the way. So these movies are not for everyone--I personally don't feel well when watching a 3D movie, and I worry about my kids watching these movies. It's a confusing experience for our brains when our eyes are moving a lot and the body is not.
Carnival rides are another great example of the vestibular system at work. Children love to spin on these rides, but many adults prefer to just watch. I loved the scrambler as a kid--couldn't get enough of it. But as an adult, I can barely stomach one ride on a scrambler. This is because as we grow, our vestibular system is slower to return to a state of equilibrium. So I still feel dizzy for several minutes after the ride has stopped.
So if our vestibular sense keeps us in balance, our proprioceptive sense helps us move our bodies through space. These nerve receptors tell us how hard or light we have to push or pull something. Children who consistently walk on tiptoes often have over-active proprioceptors--so to them, tiptoeing feels like normal walking. Conversely, children who like to stomp or spin often have under-active proprioceptors, so they are seeking sensory input for their bodies. They need extra stimulation to feel these sensations.
Lots of typical "kid games" work our propriceptive sense. Using a hammer to pound plastic nails is one. I have a sensory-seeking child who needs extra input to help him calm and control himself. Whenever he starts spinning out of control (sometimes this happens quite literally), I encourage him to do jump up and down 10 times. We follow that with "wall walks," where he puts his hands on the floor and walks his feet up the wall to a sort of handstand position. Finally, I sit him on my lap and gently pull each of his fingers, one at a time. All of these activities provide pressure on his joints (knees, shoulders, fingers) that help him feel more centered in his body.
The vestibular and proprioceptive sense are the 2 we take the most for granted. When they are working properly, everything develops according to plan. When they are not, parents often wonder at their child's seemingly unusual behavior. Often the explanation has to do with one of these 2 senses. Knowing this, we can provide appropriate activities to help develop these senses and minimize so-called problem behavior.
- posted by Amy Shinohara, Owner of Hearts & Minds Music
Posted on Tue, May 10, 2011
Taking turns and sharing are some of the most difficult concepts for children to grasp. There is a "Toddler Credo," that basically says: everything is mine (check out our facebook page to see the full text). Have you ever tried explaining to a toddler that you can't control when the sun comes up and goes down? They are in a very egocentric stage and this is normal. Don't think that you're raising a selfish, mean-spirited child if they grab things out of other people's hands. It's just the age.
Having said that, there are ways we can subtly teach our children that sharing is a good thing (and we do have to teach this, it is not something children can learn intuitively on their own). Starting when they are babies, I introduce them to "the please and thank you game." This basically entails offering your child a fun object--a ball, a stuffed animal--and then asking if you can please have a turn with it. If they relinquish the object to you, give them a big smile and a very happy "Thank you!" Then immediately offer the object back to the child. This teaches manners, but it also reassures the child that giving something away is not an unpleasant experience.
There will come a time when your baby will hold onto things with a vise grip. This is actually a sign of maturity--they know what they want and are not so easily distracted. So we move onto my next game: trading. Offer your child another interesting object in exchange for the one they have. It could be a similar object, or it could be an entirely different object, as long as it is interesting to your child. Ask them "can we trade?" Again, if they trade, make a big deal out of this--lavish them with praise and thank you's and smiles.
Once they've mastered trading, it's time to move on to turn-taking. A ball is a great object to practice this skill with, because there is a natural back-and-forth with a ball. You can roll it to each other, or toss it to each other, or do any number of things to experience the back-and-forth quality we're after. Turn-taking will persist for a long time before children are truly ready to share--and I'm defining "share" as true cooperative play with another person.
But there are lots of ways to expand this concept of turn-taking. Encourage children to use words (or gestures, for pre-verbal children) to ask if they may have a turn with something. Now, here's the hard part: whoever has the desired toy gets to decide when they're done with it. So if a child says "No" to your child, then your response is "Okay, maybe we can have a turn when Johnny is finished with his turn." This teaches your child to wait a little (and/or possibly find something else to play with), and it also acts as a signal to Johnny that his turn should end soon. This works like magic--by letting Johnny decide when he's done, he's much more likely to willingly end his turn in a timely manner. The alternative is to insist Johnny end his turn immediately (we tend to do this with our own children when another child asks for a turn--try to resist this urge and instead encourage your child to decide when his turn will be over). There may be times when forcing a turn to end is appropriate, but know that this will end in tears and temper tantrums, and we haven't really taught either child how to take turns.
It won't be until age 3 or 4 that your child can truly engage in cooperative play with other children. In the meantime, these games can make the process a little more tolerable.
-posted by Amy Shinohara, Owner of Hearts & Minds Music
